NZ Adventure: Coming Home Part 2
Over two years ago I jumped off a bridge in Queenstown and made myself a secret promise- I’d do the same with love. I’d make an effort and actually try something, anything. I’d jump into the void and let myself fall, no matter how scary that was.
What I wanted was to fall in love, but it turns out when you ask the universe for something you need to be more specific. So, I’ll say this instead now- I want to fall in love with someone who loves me just as much and wants to work just as hard to keep it alive. Someone who won’t give up in hard times, some who will say I ‘I love you’ even when we’re in a fight. I want a relationship where your worth doesn’t fluctuate with their moods.
So, what happened? Just 10 months ago I was excited to build my life in New Zealand with someone I loved and who I thought loved me as well. Not so long ago I was planning on living in New Zealand for a long time, I was stressing over visas and jobs and in the blink of an eye it was gone. To put it bluntly, I got dumped.
Sure, there were things that I see now were not very good. There were things we were working on and things were not easy at the time. I had recently been laid off from my job due to coronavirus (not a good time to work in hotels), and some major flatmate drama was having a big impact on us both.
As far as that goes, I will just say that It came out in a big way (during my 25th birthday party) that the couple we were living with had a big domestic violence problem. It was heartbreaking to hear about and I don’t think it was an emotional load either of us were prepared to deal with, especially because we had no idea that was going on and considered them friends. So, we decided to move and began searching for place where we could start over. Little did I know, his idea of “starting over” didn’t include me.
I didn’t take it well. It was really hard at first and it’s heartbreaking to realize that someone that you made big sacrifices for wouldn’t do the same for you (I should have known when I moved from the other side of the world and he wouldn’t move to a different house that it wasn’t going to work). It’s hard to realize that while you stayed with someone during hard times and helped them out that when the roles were reversed they wouldn’t do the same.
When I wrote my first ‘Coming Home’ blog, I said It was time for “a story about being in love, building a home in a place very far away from your old one, and seeing a country from a new perspective.” And it was all of that. I was very in love, I did build a home, and I did see the country from a whole new perspective. Unfortunately, it was also a story about falling out of love, dismantling the home you’ve built and returning to the place you grew up.
Although I’m still going through the heartbreak, I know this will only make me stronger. I don’t know if he will learn anything (when I asked him what he got out of the relationship he said he can cook better now…don’t even get me started about that one) but I know that I will. I’m learning how to be kind to myself for probably the first time in my life and I’m learning what self-compassion looks and sounds like. I’ve finally been able to write again (note to writers, if you have writer’s block the whole time you’re together that might be a warning sign).
I’m learning how to heal and I’m learning what I do and don’t want. Even though I’m starting from scratch yet again, when I rebuild my life this time it will represent me completely. So here’s to coming home again, both physically and to myself.